Labour – it’s not really something you would class as fun or funny, but once time has passed you can look back on it with fresh eyes and see how some of it is really quite amusing.
Now that I have endured all 23 hours of labour that I ever intend to in my life, I want to share some of those moments with you:
Labouring with Little Bean
Whilst I was pregnant with Little Bean I watched all the birthing videos I could to prepare myself for my first experience of labour. I watched the women who screamed and shouted their way through it, making a mental note “must not scream and shout, you look and sound silly”. Of course, sometimes that is easier said than done, but I tried my hardest and then my midwife told me to “get angry” when it came to pushing, to use it and “growl it out” which I tried and felt better for it. Then, the midwives changed shifts and my new midwife told me I sounded “very silly” and should stop. At this point I just glared at her – I think she got my message.
After over an hour or so of pushing, and not really getting anywhere the midwife decided I was too tired to push and so they enlisted the help of a doctor to do an assisted delivery. The doctor was a very big man – with the biggest hands I had ever seen! He said he was going to try the ventouse and instructed “when you push, I will pull”. In an Ally McBeal style daydream I envisaged him pulling so hard my baby’s head came off. Obviously this didn’t happen, but neither did the ventouse! It didn’t attach properly to Little Bean’s head and so it pinged off when he pulled. I felt a wet sensation on my face and said to Hubby “what was that” as he was casually wiping my face, “oh nothing” he said, “just a tiny bit of blood”. Weeks later he told me it looked like a scene from Platoon!
Labouring with Beanie Boy
Having already gone through labour once with Little Bean I knew I didn’t want to have pethidine, but I didn’t want to rule out an epidural and decided to stay on the labour ward instead of moving to the Midwife-led Unit. My labour came in waves, one minute it was all guns blazing the next, it had stopped completely. When it started up again it was twice as painful and I began to feel as though I couldn’t cope so I asked for an epidural. The midwife kept telling me that she would “sort it in a moment” before proceeding to lean over me to wave aromatherapy oils under my nose, asking “do you like this one?” and “what do you think this oil is?” At this point my patience was wearing thin and I didn’t feel it was an appropriate time to be playing “guess the scent”. Again, I asked for an epidural. This time she produced a cheap paper fan, the sort you would buy on a beach holiday to Spain and started waving it around my face. I understood she was only trying to help, but all she was doing was annoying me. I turned to Hubby and requested as calmly as possible, that he tell the nice midwife what to do with her fan.
Labouring with Jelly Bean
Even with a quick labour I still managed to get myself into some odd situations…
I gave birth to Jelly Bean in the Midwife-led Unit which is less hospital-like. There was a large padded mat on the floor, chairs and a beanbag with lots of pillows – but no traditional hospital bed. I found the kneeling position the most comfortable for this labour. I knelt on the mat with my arms supported by the chair. All was going well until my waters had to be broken by my midwife when I began pushing. The labour was so fast she didn’t have time to put an absorbent mat under my knees so when the waters went all over the mat it became extremely slippery and I, in my semi-naked state, began slipping and sliding around like an overweight Bambi!
Since I had received a third degree tear during my labour with Beanie Boy my midwife wanted me to deliver Jelly Bean laid on my back so that she could monitor me when his head was crowning. Moving me from knees to back was not easy mid-labour but we somehow managed it and within 3 pushes he was out and delivered straight onto my chest. At this point another midwife came in to assist and promptly picked Jelly Bean up off my chest to clean him up without realising the umbilical cord was yet to be cut – that was an interesting sensation let me tell you!
Did anything out of the ordinary happen during your labour? Do share!