Emily

Pregnancy after miscarriage – one mum’s story

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Emily of Mummy Limited writes a poignant and heartfelt post about conceiving after miscarriage.

Emily writes: I have recently become addicted to boxsets of The American Office, very funny and in places sweet and touching. There is a scene, filmed without dialogue, where two of the characters find out they are expecting a baby. Their joy is obvious, they hug and kiss and have tears in their eyes. It’s lovely.

As I watched and smiled I realised that I can no longer remember feeling that way when receiving the same news. By the time I had a successful pregnancy we had already miscarried three times and had been told there was nothing actually wrong and it was just a case of trying again. Each positive test was met with a little relief, some happiness and then a little shrug of the shoulders and the thought would go through my mind that we’d see what happened and keep our fingers crossed.

Conceiving again after losing a pregnancy is a strange, mixed up time and I’ve tried many different mindsets. I’ve tried being negative and expecting the worse, in some attempt to cushion the blow when things go wrong and I can confirm that it doesn’t cushion anything. I have tried ignoring the emotional effects of miscarriage and trying again straight away and that doesn’t really work either.

As each of our miscarriages came in quick succession I sunk lower and lower, but resolutely ploughed on with trying again, as my biological clock ticked louder and louder. It wasn’t until after the third when I had hit rock bottom and a doctor told me I had not allowed myself time to grieve after each loss, that I put all thoughts of trying again to one side for a few months and took time to recover. Once I had, we tried again and this time were lucky enough to have a healthy, baby boy. I am not saying for one moment that my state of mind was the cause of this. There is nothing worse when you are struggling to have a baby than people telling you to relax and be positive and it will work out. However, I did feel mentally stronger and more able to think positively on that fourth pregnancy, which made it a much more enjoyable experience than before.

In my experience that feeling of expecting the worst never really goes away though. I remember so vividly when we came to discuss adding to our family that for the first time in ages I was content, relaxed and happy. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to start on the conceiving treadmill all over again and it was my partner who pointed out I was probably always going to feel a bit like that and he was right.

For me, it’s about picking the right moment, getting the balance between allowing yourself time to recover and accepting that you’re probably never going to feel the same about getting pregnant. Those naive and optimistic days of your first pregnancy will never return fully, so at some point you have to just go for it again.

Sadly, while trying for our third child we experienced another early pregnancy loss. These things are so different for everyone. I did find it easier having children already. For one thing, they don’t really give you the time to be sad and there’s a big difference between already being a mother and not. However, even I was surprised at how keenly I felt the loss again. All the familiar feelings came rushing back and once again I had to judge when I was ready to try again. Only you can really decide, with the help of friends and family and particularly your partner, when the time is right for you.

I feel a little sad that I can’t remember how it feels to be totally elated when discovering your pregnant, as if I’m missing out in some way, but really life isn’t actually like a film or a TV programme and in some ways I have just experienced something different. I really know that the game of falling pregnant and having children isn’t as easy as we are led to believe and in some ways, doesn’t that make it more precious?

If you’ve experienced miscarriage or would like to share your thoughts on Emily’s post, feel free to leave a comment. Thank you.

11 Comments

  1. My first two pregnancies were, with hindsight, utterly straightforward. (Sickness, nausea, misery, spd, but healthy babies, and while I was nervous throughout, it was needless.) Then I had three missed miscarriages and I lost all faith in my body. That early scan in my sixth pregnancy when I expected to see a little empty sac again, and actually there was a heartbeat, I’m tearing up remembering it.

    It is hard. And yes, it’s hard to know how to grieve for little lost babies who never were, but I think you do have to make your peace with it all before you can move on.

    Liveotherwise
    Reply
    • I think you’re absolutely right, you have to make peace with it all, whether that a long time or just a few weeks or even days. Everyone heals differently

      Mummylimited
      Reply
  2. I’ve spoke of my story here before, its up there ^^^ ‘finally baby number 2′ is part of my story.

    I suffered 3 miscarriages and was also told after numerous tests that nothing was wrong.

    I refused to believe I would ever have a child after that as it was easier to believe. I believed it would go wrong to soften the blow. Then Emmy came along :) my rainbow baby.

    Followed by another 2 miscarriages sadly, then my Son Harry.

    We got there in the end but it was tough, dark and hard.
    There is lots of support available so if your going through this remember your not alone.

    Emmys Mummy
    Reply
  3. Great article…..we had 4 miscarriages before we had our baby boy 10 weeks ago…..i couldn’t have put it in better words myself.
    Others think that we are just upset about the loss but its much more. Has a huge impact on the way we feel about future pregnancies and beyond. Every day seemes to be filled with worry, thoughts on fertility, looking into what cases miscarriages, being a pin cushion from all the blood tests.
    Last December, a month after our last miscarriage i decided to have a month off from thinking about it and trying for a baby…just wanted time out from it and to enjoy xmas……and yes, we got pregnant and our boy was born healthy 10 weeks ago.

    motty27
    Reply
  4. I recently found out I am pregnant again after a miscarriage 10 months ago). I already have an almost 3 year-old and we have had fertility complications for the last two years, although nothing too awful (all 3 pregnancies have been natural). We started trying again immediately after I was able to following the miscarriage. I can empathise with the feeling of excitement being replaced by a feeling of anxiety, even dread. I feel as though I expect another miscarriage, so in ways am mentally prepared for it, but I am not sure how I’d cope with the aftermath when it seems to have taken forever and a lot of heartache to get to this point.

    I have blogged about my miscarriage and about how I feel about this pregnancy in relation to my miscarriage and I have found sharing to be a real therapy.

    Sorry for your recent loss, and those before. All the best with your plans for a third child x

    Mia
    Reply
  5. Thank you all for sharing. It’s wonderful to read your comments and feel the sisterly support coming through loud and clear. We wish you all the very best on your journeys. Vicky and Jennie x

    Kiddicare
    Reply
  6. It’s so true that miscarriage changes the way you view pregnancy, it makes you wince a little when you see an early pregnancy announcement on social networking sites, and makes you envious of those who are so excited to be preparing for their baby with untainted optimism as they and everyone else assumes that once those 2 lines appear, a baby will follow.

    For me, my second pregnancy allowed us a little sigh of relief that the ‘trying’ was over, but the worry that something might go wrong stayed with me until well after my 20 week scan. “We’re pregnant but I’m bleeding again” was how the ‘happy news’ was introduced to our families as we felt it better to prepare them and ourselves for another loss. Fortunately all has been well up to now and at 34 weeks I am starting to prepare (although somewhat reservedly) for our baby to arrive next month.

    MrsC
    Reply
  7. I’ve not lost a child (hoping my second comes safely tomorrow). However I feel very similar. I was told I wouldn’t conceive naturally at age 26 however I have. But after years of trying I feel like I can never get excited. I feel like I can’t possibly be lucky enough to have two children never mind the one I have. As I sit here knowing I’m to be induced tomorrow I’m still not excited and just hope all turns out ok. I don’t think il ever get over that. It must soud awful to people when they get excited for me and I don’t join in.

    abbey
    Reply
  8. Such a great article, I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant and have feared from the very start that I would miscarry again. Even with an early bleed I got it into my head that baby was gone. I’ve got a little fighter, hanging on in there. Can’t wait to meet our little boy.

    Elisabeth
    Reply
  9. I completely agree with all that’s been said above. I had 2 early miscarriages before I had a successful pregnancy with the birth of my son. I have had a further 5 miscarriages whilst being told everything was normal and there was no reason for them. I insisted on being referred to the top recurrent miscarriage clinic in London and a week after my first appointment I discovered I was pregnant, fortunately I was in the right place at the right time. They ran additional tests whilst I was pregnant and discovered a clotting issue that only occurs when pregnant so now I’m on aspirin and 18weeks pregnant but still so nervous that we have only told close friends and family. Wish I could relax and actually enjoy getting to this stage of the pregnancy.

    nicola
    Reply

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